Tuesday, 12 August 2014

I'm crying as I write this. It's often those that give the world the most happiness and laughter that are dealing with the greatest sadness. I will forever be grateful to this comedic genius for all the beauty and happiness he brought to the world. For his wonderful stand up comedy and his incredible sensitive portrayals of characters both fictional and real. You will be missed and you were loved by so many. I'm so sad that you ended your life far too soon. I'm so upset that you couldn't feel the love that the world had for you for yourself. 

Thank you for Good Morning Vietnam
Thank you for Dead Poets Society
Thank You For Awakenings
Thank You For The Fisher King
Thank You For Hook
Thank You For Aladdin
Thank You For Mrs Doubtfire
Thank You For Jumanji
Thank You For Jack
Thank You For The Birdcage
Thank You For Good Will Hunting
Thank You For Flubber
Thank You For Deconstructing Harry
Thank You For Fathers' Day
Thank You For Patch Adams
Thank You For What Dreams May Come
Thank You for Bicentennial Man
Thank You For A.I.
Thank You For Insomnia
Thank You For Death To Smoochy
Thank You For One Hour Photo
Thank You For Happy Feet
Thank You For The Butler 

I've been reading some truly insensitive comments online about the fact that Robin Williams took his own life and how he had a long life so therefore they only find it tragic if someone young does so?! I wouldn't normally be so personal online but who knows, maybe this will help someone, somewhere be less cold. It's hard enough dealing with depression and then having the people around you, not understand what you are experiencing makes you feel even more alone. Having battled depression since I was a child and been suicidal myself (about 10 years ago), the darkness that surrounds you on a daily basis for years eventually gets too much. It's not something you can just 'shake off'. It's all consuming. Your thoughts and feelings act against you. All you want is for the constant pain to end. Imagine having the worst day of your life emotionally and then put that on repeat every single day for years. You are alone in your loneliness. You are trapped in your melancholy and can't feel the warmth of those reaching out to you. For anyone who has felt these feelings of hopelessness, this is not a message that is pro-suicidal at all. I'm still here, I'm alive and kicking and so happy to be alive despite the daily tragedies in the world. I found my way back to the light with the support of many others and the desire to keep fighting the darkness.This is merely an attempt to try and express what depression can feel like for those who don't know. I think David Foster Wallace said it far more eloquently: “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” If you think even for a second that you might be struggling from depression, tell someone. Tell someone who you know is sensitive or empathetic. Depression tricks you into feeling immense shame and that you are truly alone in the world. You aren't. There are people who love and care about you. There are people who have been through the same things as you and are still here and found happiness. You don't have to suffer alone. There's so much to live for. 

Thank You For the Laughs and the Tears, Robin. You will forever be missed and loved!

Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Here we go again...

                                                      Image Found on weheartit.com

 I've had such a strange week. I've had a lot of negativity come my way via Facebook, email and messages. One from a friend, one from someone I hardly know and one from an acquaintance. The comments made were rude, egotistical and coming from a place of bitterness. Part of me thinks I'm being too sensitive, that I should just toughen up. After all, this isn't anything new to me. I've been on this earth long enough to have had decades of rejection, oh the drama of it all! I started my day driving to a meeting while crying because of rejection. You see, I have a long history with people excluding me socially. It started when I was a child and to be honest, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I'm the perpetual outsider and part of me has made peace with that. The only problem is, is that when I do make the effort to put myself out there and make new friends ( which doesn't happen often) if I get rejected, I take it hard. I get taken back emotionally to that place of  playground bullies and tears cried in the bathroom at break time. My adult mind tells me to shut down. To put my walls up. To cover this sensitive heart of mine up with anger. Pfffft! I don't need them anyway! Lucky me! One less person to worry about! And yet, I still found myself crying.

Why the tears? I was woken this morning with a message on my phone (charming!) from someone telling me that they no longer wanted to be my friend. Apparently our friendship values don't match. Granted this person is going through a big change in her life, maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's projection. Most of the time when someone is that cut throat, it usually is. So there I am analysing the message over and over again. It was a polite Fuck You with a smile. A kiss at the end and wishing me well for my future. I don't get it. This kind of thing does my head in. Words are SO important to me. WHY WOULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME?!!! Apologies for the caps lock. Ahem. I haven't known this person that long - less than a year to be exact. They did make an impact on my life though. I think all of my friends do, otherwise why bother having the friendship? I take my friendships seriously - too seriously? Probably. I'm the wear-my-bleeding-heart-on-my-sleeve-oh-I'm-sorry-was-I-dripping-bloody-intense-emotion-all-over-you? friend. I'm the you-can-call-me-any-time-of-the-day-or-night-and-I-will-be-there-friend. I'm the friend who sat with you when you got locked out of your flat one night in the cold. I'm the friend who just held you for hours while you cried after your mother died. I'm the friend who came to your grandmother's funeral having never met her but knew you needed me there for support. I'm the friend who drove you home when you were too drunk, you vomited all over my car and I said nothing. I'm that friend. I'm also apparently an emotional punching bag. Having a bad day/week/life? Send it in my direction in a passive aggressive message. I won't even retaliate. I'll probably even forgive you, given half a chance.
Hopeless romantic? Not quite. I have a love/hate thing going on with humanity. Hate to love you, you incredible, terrible, fascinating,cruel,wonderful,dangerous,horrible, lovely humans.

I could have done without out that rejection this morning. Or maybe it was meant to be. Maybe one day, with hindsight, I'll think of what happened and it'll all make sense. Maybe. Either that, or I'll find myself in tears again.