Tuesday, 29 July 2014

Here we go again...

                                                      Image Found on weheartit.com

 I've had such a strange week. I've had a lot of negativity come my way via Facebook, email and messages. One from a friend, one from someone I hardly know and one from an acquaintance. The comments made were rude, egotistical and coming from a place of bitterness. Part of me thinks I'm being too sensitive, that I should just toughen up. After all, this isn't anything new to me. I've been on this earth long enough to have had decades of rejection, oh the drama of it all! I started my day driving to a meeting while crying because of rejection. You see, I have a long history with people excluding me socially. It started when I was a child and to be honest, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I'm the perpetual outsider and part of me has made peace with that. The only problem is, is that when I do make the effort to put myself out there and make new friends ( which doesn't happen often) if I get rejected, I take it hard. I get taken back emotionally to that place of  playground bullies and tears cried in the bathroom at break time. My adult mind tells me to shut down. To put my walls up. To cover this sensitive heart of mine up with anger. Pfffft! I don't need them anyway! Lucky me! One less person to worry about! And yet, I still found myself crying.

Why the tears? I was woken this morning with a message on my phone (charming!) from someone telling me that they no longer wanted to be my friend. Apparently our friendship values don't match. Granted this person is going through a big change in her life, maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's projection. Most of the time when someone is that cut throat, it usually is. So there I am analysing the message over and over again. It was a polite Fuck You with a smile. A kiss at the end and wishing me well for my future. I don't get it. This kind of thing does my head in. Words are SO important to me. WHY WOULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME?!!! Apologies for the caps lock. Ahem. I haven't known this person that long - less than a year to be exact. They did make an impact on my life though. I think all of my friends do, otherwise why bother having the friendship? I take my friendships seriously - too seriously? Probably. I'm the wear-my-bleeding-heart-on-my-sleeve-oh-I'm-sorry-was-I-dripping-bloody-intense-emotion-all-over-you? friend. I'm the you-can-call-me-any-time-of-the-day-or-night-and-I-will-be-there-friend. I'm the friend who sat with you when you got locked out of your flat one night in the cold. I'm the friend who just held you for hours while you cried after your mother died. I'm the friend who came to your grandmother's funeral having never met her but knew you needed me there for support. I'm the friend who drove you home when you were too drunk, you vomited all over my car and I said nothing. I'm that friend. I'm also apparently an emotional punching bag. Having a bad day/week/life? Send it in my direction in a passive aggressive message. I won't even retaliate. I'll probably even forgive you, given half a chance.
Hopeless romantic? Not quite. I have a love/hate thing going on with humanity. Hate to love you, you incredible, terrible, fascinating,cruel,wonderful,dangerous,horrible, lovely humans.

I could have done without out that rejection this morning. Or maybe it was meant to be. Maybe one day, with hindsight, I'll think of what happened and it'll all make sense. Maybe. Either that, or I'll find myself in tears again.