April Love - Day Four: Dear Morning

Dear Morning

We have not always had the best of relationships, you and I. I being a night owl, tend to experience you creeping up on me with the sharp reminder that the night is in fact over. Having spent many years dancing all night, your early light would sharply remind of the reality of day. Staying up talking all night seemed far more intimate than meeting in the morning.

I'm still a night owl and I still greet you pre-dawn but as your first light breaks, I welcome you. I realise now that the serenity that you bring is what probably scared me. I was so lost that your calming presence was a reminder of how out of control I felt and I far preferred to stay up dancing with my demons, raging through the night.

I now get to greet you before first light again but on my drive to work. As the light of day hits the studio, I am in awe of the beauty that you create and how you wake up the world so gently every morning. No matter what happens or how bad my day has been, I know that I can always look forward to seeing you again tomorrow and the comfort of your familiar presence is something I hold on to when I don't want my days to begin.

Thank you Morning for being there, come rain or shine and that you are the first one to wake up the world like the mother we all wish would. Thank you for your patience and for greeting me so beautifully in this incredible life. I'm so thankful that I have come to appreciate you for the beauty that you are.

April Love - Day Three: Dear Feet

Dear Feet

You like so much of the rest of my body have been very much neglected for most of my life. I have this theory that people are either 'mind' or 'body' people in that they either live mainly in their heads (myself included) or they are very much present and aware of their bodies. I think the reason why I tend to not think too much about my body is because it has caused me more problems than I would like. That however is a different matter altogether and this letter is in fact intended for you dear feet so back to the topic at hand.

Thank you dear feet for always doing your job. Despite the fact that you are long compared to the rest of my body and incredibly narrow and have been 'problematic' that you have very rarely caused me pain. I remember as a child going to the shoe shop and being told when having my feet measured that, "You must have been last in the queue when they gave out feet." I remember the embarrassment and shame and wondering why my feet had to be flat. I wondered why I would never be allowed to do ballet or be able to run. Looking back now, I realise that was the first in a series of "CAN'TS". If only I had had the self esteem to not listen to insensitive comments made by adults. But I was just a child and he being the 'expert' made a strong negative impression. Imagine if that man had instead said to me, "Wow, those long feet were made for only the finest Italian shoes", would it have made a difference, I wonder?

We've walked a long road dear feet from the tip of Table Mountain in South Africa, to the green fields in Ireland, to the dusty back roads of Mexico and pebbled beaches of England. You've danced with me all night until the sun came up even when my legs couldn't go any more, we let the music move us. You've indulged me in my high heeled dreams when I bought ridiculously beautiful yet impractical grey shoes that of course I had to take off as soon as I could. I've occasionally adorned my toenails in sparkly nail polish and can't recall nearly enough foot rubs. I even once went to get my feet 'read' and was told those long toes represent an incredible amount of creativity.

Oh feet, I'm excited about the places we still will get to explore together and that one day I can adorn you in those fine Italian shoes. Thank you for always keeping me grounded and getting me where I need to go. I'm looking forward to the many journeys we have yet to walk, climb and dance together.

                                                My Feet: Image by Dr Benway

April Love - Day One - Dear Love

Dear Love

There's a quote that comes to mind when I think of you by the late Maya Angelou - Love doesn't hurt.

I have experienced what I thought was indeed love yet I never felt good. I mistook the pain for something else. I internalised the hurt and thought if I just did more, gave more, tried harder, loved YOU more then somehow the pain would stop. Of course, that's not how you work. Love doesn't hurt. Love feels good but what did I know about good feelings? What was I supposed to do with them? When good things came my way, I would inevitably look over my shoulder to check for the bad, hiding somewhere - ready to pounce.

But then I managed to find you love, in the sweetest and smallest of moments. In the giggles of my niece, the wagging of my dog's tail, holding hands, teaching others to tell their story and seeing them see themselves almost for the first time, in an Autumn sunset and the waves of the beach - there you are, Love - giving and filling me up with no effort on your or my part.

Coming to the conclusion that I deserve you as much as I give you to others is so simple and yet to finally believe that changes everything.

I deserve the kind of love that I give. No explanation needed.

 Thank you Love for carrying me when I thought I had nothing left to give.

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Fifteen - Halfway there!

Today's prompt for Writer's Digest 2015 April Poem A Day Challenge is: An Adjective Titled Poem.

Lost

I know
That these words
Will never be enough

I know
That our country
Which you Bravely
Sought as solace

When you fled from
Trouble Back Home
Has In the Darkness
Raised It's Ugly Greedy Head
And Destroyed
The Life You've Built

Your neighbours
Have listened to the lies
Fed to them from up high

But they do not know
That we are all Africans
Whether from the South or North

I know these words
Will never be enough
As your children cry
And you wonder where to go

But if they come at you
With petrol and knives

Fight your way out
Fight your way back
Back to the Rainbow nation
We all fought so hard for

And I will be there
With open arms
Waiting

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Fourteen

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest April 2015 Poem A Day Challenge is: Write a poem about Honesty or Dishonesty. I chose Honesty.


The truth Hurts

I expect nothing less than honesty
But I've lied my way

Out of tricky situations

Used my gender
As an excuse
Not to stand out

Acted like I didn't know
What was going on

Kept my opinions to myself
So that you would accept me
(Not that that ever helped)

Stayed silent and small
So as to not rock the boat

Turned my anger inwards
And blamed you!

The truth hurts
But it was my choice all along.

April 2015 PAD Challenge - Day Thirteen - Confession

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest Poem A Day challenge is: Write A Confession poem.

Confession

Not being born Catholic
I always liked the idea
Of being able to anonymously
Confess my sins

To sit in the darkness
And let all my secrets out

I love the intimacy of strangers
So I confess to you
On these virtual pages
Which hold my shadows and secrets

Will you forgive me world
For what I have done?

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Twelve - Damage

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest April Poem A Day Challenge is: Write A Poem About Damage.

No Song To Sing

We think we’re young
But we are broken
Our minds are closed
Our mouths are open

So few words are truly spoken
Our eyes tell lies without emotion

We think we’re young
But we are broken
Our minds are closed
Our mouths are open

Keep reaching out
Not reaching in
We don’t have have
A song To sing

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Eleven - A Season

An Irish Winter

The first time I saw snow
I was in my late twenties
But I might as well have been three

As the snow started to drift down
Outside our college window
Without thinking
I jumped out of my seat mid lecture
I ran down the stairs
And into the snow

It was colder and harder than I expected
And I swirled around
Like I was Winona Ryder in Edward Scissor Hands
The cobbled streets
Became the sets of every American Christmas movie I had ever seen
If Father Christmas himself had landed his reindeer on my path
I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid
As Jingle bells wafted out of every pub
And happy Dublin children screamed with glee
I was a million miles away from South Africa
And I believed in the magic of an Irish winter

April 2015 PAD Challenge - Day Ten - A Third Of The Way Done!

Today's prompt for the 2015 April Writer's Digest Poem A Day Challenge is: Write a 'How' Poem.

How It Should Be

Normally I find meeting new people difficult
It’s A Cold World Out There
Of Transactional relationships
Built on Broken Promises and forgotten dreams
But this week
This week, I fell in Love!

Wednesday morning
You arrived right on schedule
Your life began And so did we

With new roles to play
You’ve Broken all our hearts wide open

It was Love at first sight
No questions or analysis
I knew exactly what to do and how to be

No one gets a handbook on this stuff
But the answer is simple
Just Love
No need to run or fight or hide
Just Love
The world looks friendlier
Now that you’re in it

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Nine - Work

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest April 2015 Poem A Day Challenge   is work.

Jobs

If we ever meet
Don’t ask me what I do

Potential employers have gazed at my schizophrenic C.V. with one eyebrow arched
But what they won’t see
is that I’ve tried the 9 to 5 in gloomy London
and ended up interviewing my colleagues about their dreams

Flew half away around the world because of love and ended up with heart break

Ran away to the ocean to play videographer at a Shark Cage Diving company for the sum total of One.Whole.Day (A Great White Ate My Camera)

I’ve seen that the rich can’t buy happiness while singing Happy Birthday Dressed As Snow White For A One Year Old’s Birthday

Heard the woes of the lonely, the ignored and the outraged at 3am on late night radio

I felt insane playing a cheetah for Chinese tourists at an African convention as they posed and took photos

I’ve listened to the stories of what it’s like to be Jewish and Irish in Dublin

And made sure that the drunk Dutch Rock ‘n Rollers could sit up straight for their interviews

I’ve helped clear the clutter in people’s homes while they told me all their secrets

And I still don’t have a Degree

So If we ever meet
Don’t ask me what I do

Like it’s supposed to mean something

Writer's Digest 2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Eight

Today's prompt for the Poem A Day Challenge is: Write A Dare Poem.

Truth Or Dare?

I Dare You To Get Out Of Your Head.
To stop living in shame of ghosts from your past
I Dare You To Face Your Shadows
To Tell The World Exactly Who You Are
I Dare You To Stop Trying To Prove
How Happy you are to false friends and acquaintances
No amount of Likes will ever be enough
I Dare You To Be Present
Just With the Silence that envelops you
I Dare You To Spend Time Alone
Without A Phone Or A Friend To Distract You from You
I Dare You To Love
Love the world, love your enemies, love the monsters within
I Dare You To Not Shrink From Your Power
To Stand Tall when they try and cut you down
I Dare You To Stop Aiming For Perfect
To Stop Comparing Your Joy Away
I Dare You To Not Just Read These Words But Live Them.

The Truth?
We all want to be loved but we’re just so terrified.
Let go of your fear.

Go on, I Dare You!

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Seven - First Week Complete!

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest 2015 April Poem A Day Challenge is: A Love Poem or an Anti-Love Poem. As you can see below, I decided to write about Love. I can't believe I finished the first week and that I've managed to write something daily despite myself. Here's to the next 23 days!


Countdown

A family borne from ice
Isn’t one for loving words
Or grand displays of affection
But the thought of you makes me grin
In the Darkness

I find this world
To be one of complications and cruelty
But with you
None of the rules apply

Though we have yet to meet
I know you by heart
It has been a lifetime of longing
And the dragons have started to circle the skies

The wolves are calling your name
Sweet one
It is time
Come home
And take your place

My guarded gates are standing wide open
As I await
Your Arrival

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Six

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest 2015 Poem A Day Challenge is: A-things-not-as-they-appear poem.

Viral 
 
Your life pops with a Hollywood Sheen
As you live the Instagram Dream
But what you don't see
Is how much careful planning it took
To create that nonchalant I-Don't-Care shot
How your 'natural' beauty cost you more than your self respect
Your best friend who smiles at you so sweetly
Will squeeze you tighter while spreading rumours

You dumb yourself down, giggle and grin
To play this Game of  Photographic Happiness
But without any names to drop
Or exotic locations to tag

All that you would be left with is

Your Self (ie) 


And finally
You would have something
Worth sharing

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Five

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest Poem A Day Challenge is: Vegetables

Eat Your Vegetables

I don’t know at what age
That I decided that you were not to be trusted
I don’t know why you make me Squirm
You stare at me
With healthy promises
And warnings from my mother ring in my ears
As I pretend that you aren’t on the menu or on my plate
I’m sorry but veggies? You can keep them
Nobody ever looks ecstatic when eating a salad

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Four

This is today's poem for the April 2015 Poem A Day Challenge by Writer's Digest.
Today's prompt is Departure.

What Once Was by Amy Kaye

Lost and Broken
You Hypnotised Me
Like A Magnet
Your Sad Story
Pulled Me In
The Loss In Your Eyes
Reached Out
And Enveloped me in your Pain

It was like I was returning
To a familiar place of destruction
All the signs were there
Warning me of the Danger! Danger! Danger!
But I was hooked

Together We dove Deep
Into the grey pools of pain
Like a Blanket
You wrapped me in the comforts of loss

I Held On
Even though your words
Became sharp like shattered glass

You told me that Love wasn’t easy
And I stupidly wanted to believe
This heart break meant something

But the manipulation continued
As you whispered empty lies to me at night

With nothing to cling to
But a tiny voice that once was my beating heart
I left not knowing how I would go on
I left not knowing who I was

And as the last words were said
It was finally over

And slowly I will return to myself like an old friend

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Three

Today's prompt as part of Writer's Digest 2015 April Poem A Day Challenge is: A Machine Poem

The Thought Machine
Instructions:
1. Open and Turn On Your Mind
2. Insert Daily Gratitude For Optimum Results
3. Check Feeling Centre – Standard Options apply.
4. Choose To Increase Or Decrease Feeling For Desired Effect
5. Your Machine Should Produce in Excess of 60 000 thoughts per day regardless of Feeling Centre.
6. You May Find Yourself Drifting Between Your Thoughts and Feeling Centre, Check Your Settings.
7. Be Aware of coming in contact with External Stimuli in your environment. This Will Greatly Affect Your Thinking Machine as well as your Feeling Centre.
8. If your Feeling Centre gets stuck, check in with your body settings.
9. If Thinking Centre Shuts Down, Reconnect Your Body.
10. Choose the Breathing Function.
11. You May Find That Your Thoughts Will Slow Down – Give Your Thought Machine A Chance To Reboot.
12. Go Back To Step 1.

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Two - Secret

This poem is part of the 2014 Writer's Digest April PAD Challenge  in which every day of this month there will be a poetry prompt. It's an opportunity for those of you wanting to get your poetry published (although there are no guarantees) and also to have your poetry seen by other poets which is always interesting in terms of feedback. Here's to a month of poetry!

Today's prompt is: Secret

Girl Code

In unison they giggle
And it might as well be High School all over again
Time has moved on but the subject matter is still the same
They squeal in delight at in jokes about pop culture that I don’t find funny
We share the same age and gender but that’s where it ends
I play along with a passive aggressive smile
They have no idea what world I’m from
The never ending small talk
And the constant competition makes me weak
They ooh and aah at the sparkly ring on her finger
Like it’s supposed to mean something
And as they contemplate the right hashtag for their latest selfie
I secretly disappear into the silence
Safely tucked away in my mind,
I can breathe.

2015 April PAD (Poem A Day) Challenge - Day One

After much procrastinating, I'm back. I've been writing in other contexts, just not for my blog. I find it's easier to write for myself in a personal capacity when I have some sort of a structure or goal. I also love creative challenges so therefore I've signed up for the Writer's Digest April PAD Challenge (You can too!) in which every day there will be a poetry prompt. It's an opportunity for those of you wanting to get your poetry published (although there are no guarantees) and also to have your poetry seen by other poets which is always interesting in terms of feedback.

Day One's Prompt: Resistance

As I wait for a sign that isn’t coming
I’ve become an expert in resistance
If I was better I would
If I stopped making excuses then sure
If I could hear my inner voice rather than my inner critic
Just. One. Damn.Time.
Maybe
But I’m not perfect
So the words stay dormant
And I stay stuck
As I watch life
As it passes me by

I'm crying as I write this. It's often those that give the world the most happiness and laughter that are dealing with the greatest sadness. I will forever be grateful to this comedic genius for all the beauty and happiness he brought to the world. For his wonderful stand up comedy and his incredible sensitive portrayals of characters both fictional and real. You will be missed and you were loved by so many. I'm so sad that you ended your life far too soon. I'm so upset that you couldn't feel the love that the world had for you for yourself. 

Thank you for Good Morning Vietnam
Thank you for Dead Poets Society
Thank You For Awakenings
Thank You For The Fisher King
Thank You For Hook
Thank You For Aladdin
Thank You For Mrs Doubtfire
Thank You For Jumanji
Thank You For Jack
Thank You For The Birdcage
Thank You For Good Will Hunting
Thank You For Flubber
Thank You For Deconstructing Harry
Thank You For Fathers' Day
Thank You For Patch Adams
Thank You For What Dreams May Come
Thank You for Bicentennial Man
Thank You For A.I.
Thank You For Insomnia
Thank You For Death To Smoochy
Thank You For One Hour Photo
Thank You For Happy Feet
Thank You For The Butler 

I've been reading some truly insensitive comments online about the fact that Robin Williams took his own life and how he had a long life so therefore they only find it tragic if someone young does so?! I wouldn't normally be so personal online but who knows, maybe this will help someone, somewhere be less cold. It's hard enough dealing with depression and then having the people around you, not understand what you are experiencing makes you feel even more alone. Having battled depression since I was a child and been suicidal myself (about 10 years ago), the darkness that surrounds you on a daily basis for years eventually gets too much. It's not something you can just 'shake off'. It's all consuming. Your thoughts and feelings act against you. All you want is for the constant pain to end. Imagine having the worst day of your life emotionally and then put that on repeat every single day for years. You are alone in your loneliness. You are trapped in your melancholy and can't feel the warmth of those reaching out to you. For anyone who has felt these feelings of hopelessness, this is not a message that is pro-suicidal at all. I'm still here, I'm alive and kicking and so happy to be alive despite the daily tragedies in the world. I found my way back to the light with the support of many others and the desire to keep fighting the darkness.This is merely an attempt to try and express what depression can feel like for those who don't know. I think David Foster Wallace said it far more eloquently: “The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” If you think even for a second that you might be struggling from depression, tell someone. Tell someone who you know is sensitive or empathetic. Depression tricks you into feeling immense shame and that you are truly alone in the world. You aren't. There are people who love and care about you. There are people who have been through the same things as you and are still here and found happiness. You don't have to suffer alone. There's so much to live for. 

Thank You For the Laughs and the Tears, Robin. You will forever be missed and loved!

Here we go again...

                             

                                                   

                                                      Image Found on weheartit.com

 I've had such a strange week. I've had a lot of negativity come my way via Facebook, email and messages. One from a friend, one from someone I hardly know and one from an acquaintance. The comments made were rude, egotistical and coming from a place of bitterness. Part of me thinks I'm being too sensitive, that I should just toughen up. After all, this isn't anything new to me. I've been on this earth long enough to have had decades of rejection, oh the drama of it all! I started my day driving to a meeting while crying because of rejection. You see, I have a long history with people excluding me socially. It started when I was a child and to be honest, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I'm the perpetual outsider and part of me has made peace with that. The only problem is, is that when I do make the effort to put myself out there and make new friends ( which doesn't happen often) if I get rejected, I take it hard. I get taken back emotionally to that place of  playground bullies and tears cried in the bathroom at break time. My adult mind tells me to shut down. To put my walls up. To cover this sensitive heart of mine up with anger. Pfffft! I don't need them anyway! Lucky me! One less person to worry about! And yet, I still found myself crying.

Why the tears? I was woken this morning with a message on my phone (charming!) from someone telling me that they no longer wanted to be my friend. Apparently our friendship values don't match. Granted this person is going through a big change in her life, maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's projection. Most of the time when someone is that cut throat, it usually is. So there I am analysing the message over and over again. It was a polite Fuck You with a smile. A kiss at the end and wishing me well for my future. I don't get it. This kind of thing does my head in. Words are SO important to me. WHY WOULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME?!!! Apologies for the caps lock. Ahem. I haven't known this person that long - less than a year to be exact. They did make an impact on my life though. I think all of my friends do, otherwise why bother having the friendship? I take my friendships seriously - too seriously? Probably. I'm the wear-my-bleeding-heart-on-my-sleeve-oh-I'm-sorry-was-I-dripping-bloody-intense-emotion-all-over-you? friend. I'm the you-can-call-me-any-time-of-the-day-or-night-and-I-will-be-there-friend. I'm the friend who sat with you when you got locked out of your flat one night in the cold. I'm the friend who just held you for hours while you cried after your mother died. I'm the friend who came to your grandmother's funeral having never met her but knew you needed me there for support. I'm the friend who drove you home when you were too drunk, you vomited all over my car and I said nothing. I'm that friend. I'm also apparently an emotional punching bag. Having a bad day/week/life? Send it in my direction in a passive aggressive message. I won't even retaliate. I'll probably even forgive you, given half a chance.
Hopeless romantic? Not quite. I have a love/hate thing going on with humanity. Hate to love you, you incredible, terrible, fascinating,cruel,wonderful,dangerous,horrible, lovely humans.

I could have done without out that rejection this morning. Or maybe it was meant to be. Maybe one day, with hindsight, I'll think of what happened and it'll all make sense. Maybe. Either that, or I'll find myself in tears again.