April Love - Day One - Dear Love

Dear Love

There's a quote that comes to mind when I think of you by the late Maya Angelou - Love doesn't hurt.

I have experienced what I thought was indeed love yet I never felt good. I mistook the pain for something else. I internalised the hurt and thought if I just did more, gave more, tried harder, loved YOU more then somehow the pain would stop. Of course, that's not how you work. Love doesn't hurt. Love feels good but what did I know about good feelings? What was I supposed to do with them? When good things came my way, I would inevitably look over my shoulder to check for the bad, hiding somewhere - ready to pounce.

But then I managed to find you love, in the sweetest and smallest of moments. In the giggles of my niece, the wagging of my dog's tail, holding hands, teaching others to tell their story and seeing them see themselves almost for the first time, in an Autumn sunset and the waves of the beach - there you are, Love - giving and filling me up with no effort on your or my part.

Coming to the conclusion that I deserve you as much as I give you to others is so simple and yet to finally believe that changes everything.

I deserve the kind of love that I give. No explanation needed.

 Thank you Love for carrying me when I thought I had nothing left to give.

April 2015 PAD Challenge - Day Ten - A Third Of The Way Done!

Today's prompt for the 2015 April Writer's Digest Poem A Day Challenge is: Write a 'How' Poem.

How It Should Be

Normally I find meeting new people difficult
It’s A Cold World Out There
Of Transactional relationships
Built on Broken Promises and forgotten dreams
But this week
This week, I fell in Love!

Wednesday morning
You arrived right on schedule
Your life began And so did we

With new roles to play
You’ve Broken all our hearts wide open

It was Love at first sight
No questions or analysis
I knew exactly what to do and how to be

No one gets a handbook on this stuff
But the answer is simple
Just Love
No need to run or fight or hide
Just Love
The world looks friendlier
Now that you’re in it

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Four

This is today's poem for the April 2015 Poem A Day Challenge by Writer's Digest.
Today's prompt is Departure.

What Once Was by Amy Kaye

Lost and Broken
You Hypnotised Me
Like A Magnet
Your Sad Story
Pulled Me In
The Loss In Your Eyes
Reached Out
And Enveloped me in your Pain

It was like I was returning
To a familiar place of destruction
All the signs were there
Warning me of the Danger! Danger! Danger!
But I was hooked

Together We dove Deep
Into the grey pools of pain
Like a Blanket
You wrapped me in the comforts of loss

I Held On
Even though your words
Became sharp like shattered glass

You told me that Love wasn’t easy
And I stupidly wanted to believe
This heart break meant something

But the manipulation continued
As you whispered empty lies to me at night

With nothing to cling to
But a tiny voice that once was my beating heart
I left not knowing how I would go on
I left not knowing who I was

And as the last words were said
It was finally over

And slowly I will return to myself like an old friend

Here we go again...

                             

                                                   

                                                      Image Found on weheartit.com

 I've had such a strange week. I've had a lot of negativity come my way via Facebook, email and messages. One from a friend, one from someone I hardly know and one from an acquaintance. The comments made were rude, egotistical and coming from a place of bitterness. Part of me thinks I'm being too sensitive, that I should just toughen up. After all, this isn't anything new to me. I've been on this earth long enough to have had decades of rejection, oh the drama of it all! I started my day driving to a meeting while crying because of rejection. You see, I have a long history with people excluding me socially. It started when I was a child and to be honest, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I'm the perpetual outsider and part of me has made peace with that. The only problem is, is that when I do make the effort to put myself out there and make new friends ( which doesn't happen often) if I get rejected, I take it hard. I get taken back emotionally to that place of  playground bullies and tears cried in the bathroom at break time. My adult mind tells me to shut down. To put my walls up. To cover this sensitive heart of mine up with anger. Pfffft! I don't need them anyway! Lucky me! One less person to worry about! And yet, I still found myself crying.

Why the tears? I was woken this morning with a message on my phone (charming!) from someone telling me that they no longer wanted to be my friend. Apparently our friendship values don't match. Granted this person is going through a big change in her life, maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's projection. Most of the time when someone is that cut throat, it usually is. So there I am analysing the message over and over again. It was a polite Fuck You with a smile. A kiss at the end and wishing me well for my future. I don't get it. This kind of thing does my head in. Words are SO important to me. WHY WOULD YOU BE SO CRUEL AND KIND AT THE SAME TIME?!!! Apologies for the caps lock. Ahem. I haven't known this person that long - less than a year to be exact. They did make an impact on my life though. I think all of my friends do, otherwise why bother having the friendship? I take my friendships seriously - too seriously? Probably. I'm the wear-my-bleeding-heart-on-my-sleeve-oh-I'm-sorry-was-I-dripping-bloody-intense-emotion-all-over-you? friend. I'm the you-can-call-me-any-time-of-the-day-or-night-and-I-will-be-there-friend. I'm the friend who sat with you when you got locked out of your flat one night in the cold. I'm the friend who just held you for hours while you cried after your mother died. I'm the friend who came to your grandmother's funeral having never met her but knew you needed me there for support. I'm the friend who drove you home when you were too drunk, you vomited all over my car and I said nothing. I'm that friend. I'm also apparently an emotional punching bag. Having a bad day/week/life? Send it in my direction in a passive aggressive message. I won't even retaliate. I'll probably even forgive you, given half a chance.
Hopeless romantic? Not quite. I have a love/hate thing going on with humanity. Hate to love you, you incredible, terrible, fascinating,cruel,wonderful,dangerous,horrible, lovely humans.

I could have done without out that rejection this morning. Or maybe it was meant to be. Maybe one day, with hindsight, I'll think of what happened and it'll all make sense. Maybe. Either that, or I'll find myself in tears again.