April Love - Day Four: Dear Morning

Dear Morning

We have not always had the best of relationships, you and I. I being a night owl, tend to experience you creeping up on me with the sharp reminder that the night is in fact over. Having spent many years dancing all night, your early light would sharply remind of the reality of day. Staying up talking all night seemed far more intimate than meeting in the morning.

I'm still a night owl and I still greet you pre-dawn but as your first light breaks, I welcome you. I realise now that the serenity that you bring is what probably scared me. I was so lost that your calming presence was a reminder of how out of control I felt and I far preferred to stay up dancing with my demons, raging through the night.

I now get to greet you before first light again but on my drive to work. As the light of day hits the studio, I am in awe of the beauty that you create and how you wake up the world so gently every morning. No matter what happens or how bad my day has been, I know that I can always look forward to seeing you again tomorrow and the comfort of your familiar presence is something I hold on to when I don't want my days to begin.

Thank you Morning for being there, come rain or shine and that you are the first one to wake up the world like the mother we all wish would. Thank you for your patience and for greeting me so beautifully in this incredible life. I'm so thankful that I have come to appreciate you for the beauty that you are.

April Love - Day Three: Dear Feet

Dear Feet

You like so much of the rest of my body have been very much neglected for most of my life. I have this theory that people are either 'mind' or 'body' people in that they either live mainly in their heads (myself included) or they are very much present and aware of their bodies. I think the reason why I tend to not think too much about my body is because it has caused me more problems than I would like. That however is a different matter altogether and this letter is in fact intended for you dear feet so back to the topic at hand.

Thank you dear feet for always doing your job. Despite the fact that you are long compared to the rest of my body and incredibly narrow and have been 'problematic' that you have very rarely caused me pain. I remember as a child going to the shoe shop and being told when having my feet measured that, "You must have been last in the queue when they gave out feet." I remember the embarrassment and shame and wondering why my feet had to be flat. I wondered why I would never be allowed to do ballet or be able to run. Looking back now, I realise that was the first in a series of "CAN'TS". If only I had had the self esteem to not listen to insensitive comments made by adults. But I was just a child and he being the 'expert' made a strong negative impression. Imagine if that man had instead said to me, "Wow, those long feet were made for only the finest Italian shoes", would it have made a difference, I wonder?

We've walked a long road dear feet from the tip of Table Mountain in South Africa, to the green fields in Ireland, to the dusty back roads of Mexico and pebbled beaches of England. You've danced with me all night until the sun came up even when my legs couldn't go any more, we let the music move us. You've indulged me in my high heeled dreams when I bought ridiculously beautiful yet impractical grey shoes that of course I had to take off as soon as I could. I've occasionally adorned my toenails in sparkly nail polish and can't recall nearly enough foot rubs. I even once went to get my feet 'read' and was told those long toes represent an incredible amount of creativity.

Oh feet, I'm excited about the places we still will get to explore together and that one day I can adorn you in those fine Italian shoes. Thank you for always keeping me grounded and getting me where I need to go. I'm looking forward to the many journeys we have yet to walk, climb and dance together.

                                                My Feet: Image by Dr Benway

April Love - Day One - Dear Love

Dear Love

There's a quote that comes to mind when I think of you by the late Maya Angelou - Love doesn't hurt.

I have experienced what I thought was indeed love yet I never felt good. I mistook the pain for something else. I internalised the hurt and thought if I just did more, gave more, tried harder, loved YOU more then somehow the pain would stop. Of course, that's not how you work. Love doesn't hurt. Love feels good but what did I know about good feelings? What was I supposed to do with them? When good things came my way, I would inevitably look over my shoulder to check for the bad, hiding somewhere - ready to pounce.

But then I managed to find you love, in the sweetest and smallest of moments. In the giggles of my niece, the wagging of my dog's tail, holding hands, teaching others to tell their story and seeing them see themselves almost for the first time, in an Autumn sunset and the waves of the beach - there you are, Love - giving and filling me up with no effort on your or my part.

Coming to the conclusion that I deserve you as much as I give you to others is so simple and yet to finally believe that changes everything.

I deserve the kind of love that I give. No explanation needed.

 Thank you Love for carrying me when I thought I had nothing left to give.

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Two - Secret

This poem is part of the 2014 Writer's Digest April PAD Challenge  in which every day of this month there will be a poetry prompt. It's an opportunity for those of you wanting to get your poetry published (although there are no guarantees) and also to have your poetry seen by other poets which is always interesting in terms of feedback. Here's to a month of poetry!

Today's prompt is: Secret

Girl Code

In unison they giggle
And it might as well be High School all over again
Time has moved on but the subject matter is still the same
They squeal in delight at in jokes about pop culture that I don’t find funny
We share the same age and gender but that’s where it ends
I play along with a passive aggressive smile
They have no idea what world I’m from
The never ending small talk
And the constant competition makes me weak
They ooh and aah at the sparkly ring on her finger
Like it’s supposed to mean something
And as they contemplate the right hashtag for their latest selfie
I secretly disappear into the silence
Safely tucked away in my mind,
I can breathe.

2015 April PAD (Poem A Day) Challenge - Day One

After much procrastinating, I'm back. I've been writing in other contexts, just not for my blog. I find it's easier to write for myself in a personal capacity when I have some sort of a structure or goal. I also love creative challenges so therefore I've signed up for the Writer's Digest April PAD Challenge (You can too!) in which every day there will be a poetry prompt. It's an opportunity for those of you wanting to get your poetry published (although there are no guarantees) and also to have your poetry seen by other poets which is always interesting in terms of feedback.

Day One's Prompt: Resistance

As I wait for a sign that isn’t coming
I’ve become an expert in resistance
If I was better I would
If I stopped making excuses then sure
If I could hear my inner voice rather than my inner critic
Just. One. Damn.Time.
Maybe
But I’m not perfect
So the words stay dormant
And I stay stuck
As I watch life
As it passes me by

DigiWriMo - Day 4 - Be Brave!

If you had told me at the beginning of this year that I would be a published writer and that I would have been invited to take part in an exhibition as a poet, I would probably would have rolled my eyes at you. Me? Be a writer? Oh please. Even though I have been secretly writing for years, being a writer didn't even occur to me as a possibility. The voices in my head more often than not portray me as a victim. Who am I to think I am important enough to share my opinions with the world? If I compare myself to writers that I admire and respect, my work is never as good and I am left feeling intimidated and scared. 

Why am I scared of writing? Why am I scared to share myself with the world and the people I love? Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of being unloved and unsupported. Putting words and how I feel out into the world leaves me at my most vulnerable. Even as I write these words, the voice in my head keeps telling me not to. It keeps telling me that I will embarrass myself and that if I send this to people, they won't get it and will think I'm arrogant and narcissistic. 

I am choosing instead to not let my fear and worry win. I am choosing to create a new possibility for myself. I am choosing life. All those negative thoughts have done nothing for me except keep me small and scared of doing anything with my life. The only way I will have an extraordinary life is to do things that are greater than I think I am and to continuously push myself way out of my comfort zone. 

So here I am, being vulnerable about to send this out into the big wide world. I don't know who will read this. I don't know if this will make any impact on anyone else other than myself. What I do know is that the only way I will be able to change my thinking and change my world is to change myself.

*This post is part of the DigiWriMo Project in association with Write On! South Africa - Today's Topic is: Be Brave