April Love - Day One - Dear Love

Dear Love

There's a quote that comes to mind when I think of you by the late Maya Angelou - Love doesn't hurt.

I have experienced what I thought was indeed love yet I never felt good. I mistook the pain for something else. I internalised the hurt and thought if I just did more, gave more, tried harder, loved YOU more then somehow the pain would stop. Of course, that's not how you work. Love doesn't hurt. Love feels good but what did I know about good feelings? What was I supposed to do with them? When good things came my way, I would inevitably look over my shoulder to check for the bad, hiding somewhere - ready to pounce.

But then I managed to find you love, in the sweetest and smallest of moments. In the giggles of my niece, the wagging of my dog's tail, holding hands, teaching others to tell their story and seeing them see themselves almost for the first time, in an Autumn sunset and the waves of the beach - there you are, Love - giving and filling me up with no effort on your or my part.

Coming to the conclusion that I deserve you as much as I give you to others is so simple and yet to finally believe that changes everything.

I deserve the kind of love that I give. No explanation needed.

 Thank you Love for carrying me when I thought I had nothing left to give.

2015 April PAD Challenge - Day Six

Today's prompt for the Writer's Digest 2015 Poem A Day Challenge is: A-things-not-as-they-appear poem.

Viral 
 
Your life pops with a Hollywood Sheen
As you live the Instagram Dream
But what you don't see
Is how much careful planning it took
To create that nonchalant I-Don't-Care shot
How your 'natural' beauty cost you more than your self respect
Your best friend who smiles at you so sweetly
Will squeeze you tighter while spreading rumours

You dumb yourself down, giggle and grin
To play this Game of  Photographic Happiness
But without any names to drop
Or exotic locations to tag

All that you would be left with is

Your Self (ie) 


And finally
You would have something
Worth sharing

DigiWriMo - Day 4 - Be Brave!

If you had told me at the beginning of this year that I would be a published writer and that I would have been invited to take part in an exhibition as a poet, I would probably would have rolled my eyes at you. Me? Be a writer? Oh please. Even though I have been secretly writing for years, being a writer didn't even occur to me as a possibility. The voices in my head more often than not portray me as a victim. Who am I to think I am important enough to share my opinions with the world? If I compare myself to writers that I admire and respect, my work is never as good and I am left feeling intimidated and scared. 

Why am I scared of writing? Why am I scared to share myself with the world and the people I love? Fear. Fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of being unloved and unsupported. Putting words and how I feel out into the world leaves me at my most vulnerable. Even as I write these words, the voice in my head keeps telling me not to. It keeps telling me that I will embarrass myself and that if I send this to people, they won't get it and will think I'm arrogant and narcissistic. 

I am choosing instead to not let my fear and worry win. I am choosing to create a new possibility for myself. I am choosing life. All those negative thoughts have done nothing for me except keep me small and scared of doing anything with my life. The only way I will have an extraordinary life is to do things that are greater than I think I am and to continuously push myself way out of my comfort zone. 

So here I am, being vulnerable about to send this out into the big wide world. I don't know who will read this. I don't know if this will make any impact on anyone else other than myself. What I do know is that the only way I will be able to change my thinking and change my world is to change myself.

*This post is part of the DigiWriMo Project in association with Write On! South Africa - Today's Topic is: Be Brave